mother and child

another picture

I recognize that I haven't been posting all that much...tough. I have school and a baby to attend to.

So small

Home

Finally

I know it was only four days...it seemed an eternity.

Happiness

Sunlight in his eyes. Fitting him in the carseat. Crossing the threshold with my son.

Here we are.

Mom's sleeping. Ben's on my lap. One hand typing.

Nothing has changed.

They redid the echo...wait and see again, trips to the cardiologist in my future. Nobody really knows what's going to happen with his heart. It could heal itself and only need occasional monitering. It could lnd him back in the hospital. We continue to trust God to do his will.

Everthing has changed.

Life will never be the same...home from the hospital. The place we have prepared for him is finally in use. I put him in the crib I made. He's so small. An actual living thing sleeping in my arms...right now. We continue to thank God for the wonderful gifts he has given, the provision he has made for us.

On hospitals and discontent

We're still at the hospital...day four. Tomorrow Ben will have an echocardiogram to look again at the abnormalities they saw on Friday. I'm not sure what to expect. He seems to be healthy, progressing normally. But I can't see his heart. It is trying to have to wait and see...to not know...to not have any power...to not be able to fix him...to not even know if he still has a problem.

It's a little draining being at the hospital. It is grating to see Bentley constantly attatched to the machines...heart rate...respiratory rate...O2 Sat...Blood Pressure...Temperature. Nurses looking over my shoulder...How much has he eaten...has he pooped yet...was his diaper wet...feeling inadequate. If he doesn't poop, what can I do...how many excuses can I make...

It's also hard to face so much uncertainty. I don't know what is going to happen tomorrow. I hope and pray that we will be able to take him home tomorrow. Maybe we'll stay...maybe we'll go...maybe he'll have to go to the ICU. And I can't do anything about it.

And so we trust God...to keep our son safe...to give us peace...to guide us into his will...to take us away from this place when the time is right.

gotta represent

Little Ben will be cheering for me tomorrow as I take my test

The Elephant in the Room

I feel, perhaps, that I should communicate my feelings over the last forty-eight hours with the community of people that surround and love us. Because, after all, life is not what we plan, and sometimes God prepares a way for us, that we cannot predict.

My son (I know I'm still getting used to the idea too...it's kind of scary), has Down Syndrome. At least I believe he does. The blood test won't be back until early next week. But the doctors are fairly confident, and so, for that matter, am I (though admittedly my experience is limited.

It has been an interesting experience, communicating this fact to the people I love. Because no one knows how to react. A few people say, "I'm so sorry..." To which I respond "I'm not." Some just say "ok", some "that must be a shock," but the most common reaction is simply silence....or "really???" One friend couldn't figure out if I was joking or not. (I wasn't). Really, I don't know what reaction I expect...I wouldn't know which one to give.

So let me tell our story. Adrienne got pregnant 9 months ago (a predictable number I know). About six months ago she had an ultra sound...everything was normal, then two days later her doctor called. There was a barely perceptible fuzzy spot on the tape. Something that probably was nothing, and something that if it was something, still probably meant nothing. But, if it was there, and it meant something, then in less than two percent of cases it could indicate Down Syndrome. She offered furthur testing, but we really didn't care...it wouldn't have changed how we proceeded. Adrienne and I talked at length about it. Down Syndrome was something we had never imagined for our children. We feel called to reach out together to at risk, and special needs children...but our own offspring. It hadn't occured to us. But we prayed about it together.

Two days later, at school we had a panel of families with children with Down Syndrome. And it was incredible. The kids that came were some of the cutest, friendliest, happiest kids I had ever encountered. And I learned there to see children with Down Syndrome as children...who just needed a little extra care. On my way home that day, I prayed for our child (I didn't know it was a he yet) and I prayed that God would open my heart to whatever he had in store for us. And I prayed that if our child did have Down Syndrome, that I would rejoice in thanksgiving. That evening, Adrienne and I prayed together again, that we would accept whatever he had in store for us with joy.

I continued, throughout Adrienne's pregnancy, to experience God's work preparing my heart to accept his will. As I prayed for our child I knew the bond was forming between us, despite our physical separation.

So, when he was taken to the NICU, I went with him, to watch him begin to breath. When the pediatrician called in the neonatologist, I knew. When she said the words, my heart leapt for joy. God has blessed us with a child who will bring light and joy into our house. It is right, It is good. It is not a difficult thing to accept, or something to get used to. God has already done that work in our hearts. My son has Down Syndrome, and I am glad.

I know it will be difficult. I know that there will be trouble. I know that my life will never be the same. I also know that all of those things would be true if he didn't have Down Syndrome.

here they are

For those of you not here

here are a few pictures, more to follow

fun and games

med school friends came to visit the first night

mother and child

look at him

welcome

On Disparities and Health

We had a lecture today from one Dr. Flack, a very interesting man whose lectures I always enjoy. The topic was health disparities, specifically disputing a number of common assumptions.
1. For example "There are health disparities between races." In reality the genetic differences between races are minor. The reason African Americans and Hispanics appear to be disadvantaged is that they are disproportionately poor. Now that in and of itself is a result of disparities in economic opportunity...but African Americans are not inherently unhealthier than other groups.

2. "The United States spends the most on Health Care but still lags most other developed countries in Health Status." There is a false assumption here: the medical establishment can create good health in a population. The truth is, most diseases of high prevalence in the developed world are dependent on choices made by individuals years before the disease presents itself. The fact that Americans choose to live unhealthy lifestyles leads to the poor results on international surveys. Spending more money won't fix that.

As Americans we have gotten used to the idea that you can buy your way into anything. But in medicine there is a limit. The only way to improve health generally is to convince people to live healthier lifestyles.

There is one group of people, however who are consistently disadvantaged when it comes to medical care...the poor. They live disproportionately in cites, where access to fresh fruits and vegetables is limited, and fast food abounds. Where it isn't safe to be outside at night, the only time many people could exercise. They have less access to education, they drop out more (educational attainment is the single biggest determinant of health status) And there are fewer medical clinics and hospitals to serve the populations of urban poor. Consistently underserved.

back in the game

As anyone who has checked this blog in the last month will recognize, there is a post dated July fourth that was never there. This is one big reason I haven't posted in so long. I wasn't sure if I should post this and it kind of got stuck in the pipeline blocking up my flow of ideas. But I guess I should put it out there. At first I thought it might offend people. And it might. Then I thought, well it's been a while...and so it has. Then I thought, I'll think of something else, but nothing came. So today I edited it for readability...which doesn't mean it's readable. but there you have it.

I've also added a small post to go along with the other

On nationality

So Steven wrote some time ago about the experience of being an American in Russia (which would probably be a bit more tense now than it was just a few months ago).

He wrote "So then, I told her, what separates us? Legal fictions, Bokononian categories that hinder intimacy. We have said, and shall always say, that we who know Jesus have more in common with an Iraqi Christian than with an American non-Christian. We must come at others with these two categories in mind only, no supremacy, no victory. Just those IN CHRIST who will fellowship on that level."


I think Steven, that you are correct. When I first began to travel, I found myself often trying to defend the actions of the United States. Now that I understand that I have more incommon with a Christian from any country than an American who isn't a Christian, I can say..."I don't agree with that." And I can claim my citizenship in the kingdom of heaven to say, "the false reality you call 'the United States' does not define what I think or do and is not a real pert of my identity in Christ."


Anyway...I've said enough

Independance Day

A couple years ago, the fourth of July fell close to a Sunday. Adrienne and I went to a church in Tucson we had been told was deficient in preaching and music, but had great fellowship (we went four times and no one even acknowledged our existence). The whole service was geared towards the celebration of the fourth of July. We sang God Bless America, and America the Beautiful...the sermon was about how God has blessed this great country...

At Willow Creek there is an American flag displayed outside the sanctuary. Willow Creek is notorious for, among other things, not allowing any crosses to be put up in the church for fear they might offend new visitors.

Over the last 30 years, the church in the United States has become identified with one particular political party, and has become increasingly vocal in its acts of patriotism. Many church leaders have even been known to advocate war to defend and advance the causes of this particular nation.

If you don't believe me, check this out www.bushfish.org (I don't know how to turn this into a link or I would.) (Also if you have a weak stomach don't go to the site)

In Rome, the state was held together, in part by the cult of the emperor and by faith in and loyalty to the state apparatus. When the new Christian faith began to spread its members were denounced as atheists, as disloyal, as unpatriotic. And they responded by saying, "We have a new emperor now, who demands our allegiance, and we are faithful to him." Paul said to the new believers "Our struggle is against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world," as well as "the spiritual forces for evil." John, exiled for his lack of faith in Domatian, wrote of Rome as the whore, Babylon, and called the church to be faithful unto death, to Christ.

Rome brought peace and prosperity to the lands it conquered (as well as, at least initially a lot of death and despair). It spread the rule of law across a wide swath of territory. Rome defended itself with its powerful army, and it fought preemptive wars to head off potential threats on the fringes of its empire. Rome was a place of great technological advance and innovation, of great buildings, and large cities. Rome was a place the gods had blessed...until it fell collapsed upon itself, crushed by its own weight, its carcass picked clean by barbarian invaders.

If you replaced "Rome" with "United States" in that paragraph it would still be true...well the last bit is still ahead of us. And I think that everything that the New Testament says about Rome is true of the United States. We are not called to be loyal to the government. We are not called to be loyal to a nation.

Don't get me wrong...I'm happy to live in the United States...most of the time. In a lot of ways it is a better place to live than, say, Haiti. In fact very few people would choose Haiti over the United States.

But I think that a lot of the time the church in the United States forgets that even if you live in the best, most comfortable Babylon on Earth...She's still a whoring seductress that we are called to struggle against, to stand up to, to not pledge our allegiance to.

My loyalty is to Christ and to the church. My hope and my faith are found in the redemptive power of the cross. Not the power of the US military. So when the United States decides to go to war, I don't have any responsibility to support that...on the contrary, I have a duty to stand with Christians in Iraq (or anywhere else our government sees fit to attack) and say stop.

When I was younger than I am now, I accepted the idea that war could accomplish good. I accepted the idea that I should be loyal to my country. That supporting one country over another was permissible. I gloried in the history of the United States military. I devoured the history books, watching for examples of American valor and heroism. I looked up and saw a government to be proud of. Now I see a tale of death and destruction. I see a government to be ignored and when necessary resisted. What happened?

So fireworks are fun. So are barbecues. I think I'll try to have both.

A zoom with a view--pictures from the road

Here is a typical small settlement in the biggest arable region in Haiti--the valley that contains Dessallines. The view from the road is dotted with these little mini settlements where people who grow rice on state-owned land live. The houses are made of mud held together with the occasional rock, and sticks, and generally a metal roof. A few of the houses are made out of cement blocks(for obvious reasons, this is considered an upgrade).



Farming is a relatively simple (though incredibly arduous) affair. Hand tools are the rule, though emaciated livestock do lend a hand. (I love it when I can start and end a sentence on the same word). I did see a few rusty tractors stuck in the mud. The farmers here don't have the means to purchase farming equipment (in fact a lot of their hand tools are hand tooled). But even if they did, they're not farming their own land so there's little incentive, and even if they had the means and the incentive, most of them have no education (by "no education" I don't mean they dropped out of high school--I mean it literally), the only thing they know about farming is what they are doing.



This lady is protesting. The road was blocked by people walking in the road waving branches (or leaves, the branches cooked last night's non-supper). Protests are becoming more common in Haiti (well there's kind of an ebb and flow to the cycle of protests--over the last six months the pendulum has been swinging up). About a month before I went all of the windows up and down Delmar--one of the main roads in Port au Prince--were broken by protesters upset by the price of food.

This woman and those with her were upset about the price of fertilizer. A year ago a bag cost $200 Haitian, Now it costs 600. The land these farmers farm is state owned--they get paid a set amount of money for the rice they grow. this is how the government can make money selling rice even when the price of raw materials goes up--they pass the cost onto the farmers.

The government sells the rice on the global market because it can make more money...then cheaper rice (less filling is the description I got) is imported and taxed so it costs the average Haitian more than they got paid for the better rice they grew in their own fields (or state owned fields).


Just for comparisons sake





This is a house up on the mountain overlooking Port au Prince--where the upper class lives. Lifestyles of the rich and famous. ok, probably not famous.

Ok, maybe that's a little shocking, you might ask--how could they live like that, while those in the valley suffer?

But think about this--the difference between the poor and the rich is even greater in the US. The poor here just aren't as shocking--maybe we're just used to them.

Shoot--why criticize the rich--here's where I live. How can I possibly talk about poverty?




I know that I've said a lot of things on this blog about poverty and how hard people in Haiti have it...to tell you the truth, more often than not I feel like a failure, a hypocrite, and snakeoil salesman. I want you to be moved by the pictures, by my words...but I sit here, typing on a computer in a climate controlled room, stuff, stuff, stuff...all around, invading my life, suffocating me, killing possibility...

"Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God"

PS

I am back and healthy and Adrienne and I are heading out for a little retreat. 17 days is a long time to be apart.

Back in a few

Forget John Owen

Rich Mullins once said at a Wheaton College Chapel service

"You guys are all into that born again thing, which is great. We do need to be born again, since Jesus said that to a guy named Nicodemus. But if you tell me I have to be born again to enter the kingdom of God, I can tell you that you have to sell everything you have and give it to the poor, because Jesus said that to one guy too...


...But I guess that's why God invented highlighters, so we can highlight the parts we like and ignore the rest."