We're still at the hospital...day four. Tomorrow Ben will have an echocardiogram to look again at the abnormalities they saw on Friday. I'm not sure what to expect. He seems to be healthy, progressing normally. But I can't see his heart. It is trying to have to wait and see...to not know...to not have any power...to not be able to fix him...to not even know if he still has a problem.
It's a little draining being at the hospital. It is grating to see Bentley constantly attatched to the machines...heart rate...respiratory rate...O2 Sat...Blood Pressure...Temperature. Nurses looking over my shoulder...How much has he eaten...has he pooped yet...was his diaper wet...feeling inadequate. If he doesn't poop, what can I do...how many excuses can I make...
It's also hard to face so much uncertainty. I don't know what is going to happen tomorrow. I hope and pray that we will be able to take him home tomorrow. Maybe we'll stay...maybe we'll go...maybe he'll have to go to the ICU. And I can't do anything about it.
And so we trust God...to keep our son safe...to give us peace...to guide us into his will...to take us away from this place when the time is right.
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Thanks so much, David, for both this and the elephant in the room blog. I remember when our oldest son was in ICU and we couldn't take him home. I remember the call that came from the doctor who called me at 4:00am to tell me that they were putting my son in ICU, but not to worry and to go ahead and go back to sleep. (?) Right...
I remember racing to the hospital and going into that terrifying room with all of its whirring machines and blinking lights and piercing alarms and thinking I should be doing something to help. I couldn't then and I can't now. My children belong to the One who made them and who, as strange as it sounds to my ears, loves them far more than I ever could. God loves your little one. He holds his life and Adrianne's life and your life in his loving hands. I will ask him to give you your heart's desire, but mostly I will ask him to do his will since he truly knows what is best.
This frustrating experience will make you an even more kind and merciful doctor, gifts already so evident in you. I imagine many people down the road will see Jesus in you simply because you will be able to identify with their pain and frustration. I'll continue to pray.
Rod
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